Any resemblance to real persons is
not coincidental but purely inevitable
Life
is a sitcom and we're all losers. That's what Shakespeare would say in the 21st
century while working on his next TV hit, which by the way contains product
placement. After a long day at work the latest version of Homo sapiens switches to couch potato mode and likes to watch
something funny on TV, like a 20-minute show about people who constantly get
into comic situations. The more they screw up, the funnier it gets till the
morning after when you wake up in their shoes. Your personal life is a total
mess, you haven't figured out your future yet, you eat junk and act stupid, not
to mention you have to go to work. That's where you'll spend most of your day,
year and life in-between brainstorming, team building and office parties while
Corporate scoops up a great deal of your insurance, charges you for the sick
leaves, changes your holiday plans and tries fooling you with non-cash bonuses
like discount coupons for stores you never shop in, beads or a second-hand
bubble gum.
The
Office
Snowflakes
are unique but offices are all the same. Furniture has unfriendly edgy shape or
is as twisted as science fiction. The general idea is to make it stickable in
every corner. Light is mostly artificial, gets reflected in the PC screen and
hits you right in the eyes. Air conditioning is cheap and badly placed, so that
someone gets blow dried and the rest keep freezing. Its basic functions are
dust sneezing and stimulation of the virus-exchange among co-workers.
The
Boss
The
office is his second home, not to say the prior. At home he's probably a lonely
bachelor or a henpecked husband, i.e. nobody. At work he's something else. For
he's the boss, which nobody can deny. Everyone has to laugh at his jokes,
fulfill his wishes and tiptoe anywhere near him. In the office the world goes
around him, at least while he's in the room.
But
that's another fairy tale where the king is naked. You can hardly be friends
with the man who decides how much money you make. Good news is he doesn't want
to be real friends with you but simply to act like it. He knows too well that
apart from the fancy car and the dressed up women waiting in line for him, and
beneath the expensive suit and perfume he's just as much of a loser as his
least significant employee. The difference is he has the power to make people
suck up to him and the money to buy high-tech gadgets to pet his ego.
The
Divas
They
are the office nymphs. They get together in small gangs, strut along, strike
poses and sound tweety when they actually mean to hiss like snakes. They're
generally considered beautiful but what really defines them are high heels plus
hair and makeup that don't take less than 40 minutes. They majored in some
humanitarian subject and are currently working on their master’s degree in
something, they have a boyfriend but also have something going on at work, feed
on muesli, graze salads and smoke slims. They work in PR, marketing, branding,
consulting, project management, customer support, public administration or
business development. The mall is their temple.
The
Worker Bees
In
every office there's a beehive where pots get filled with honey on a production
line. That's where the buzz of the worker bees comes from. Their appearance may
vary but they definitely have the aura of major nerds. They do the most boring
and inevitable job. They process the data and manufacture the product the
company's selling. There's usually one queen bee reporting directly to the
beekeeper and that's all the hierarchy there is. There are no career growth
opportunities because if everybody starts growing the beehive would explode.
The worker bees never dip fingers in the honey they make. They're fed on cheese
sticks and crackers and unlike divas they rarely get corporate extras like
party invitations, tickets, discount flayers, gifts from clients or any
merchandize. They often skip lunch and work late. They do sting but normally
only get to do it once and then their stamina dies out. It's worth seeing
though because it's surprisingly dramatic, mostly for the bee, but sometimes
for the stung one also.
The
Playas from the Sales Department
They
can't keep their mouth shut, act yuppie-like and hit on absolutely every female
co-worker. They're totally in love with all the latest technology, especially
if it has a fruit-shaped logo. Divas are crazy about them because they suit up
and enjoy babbling. They're the cocks in the hen-house walking around as if
they own the place or lay golden eggs. If they fail to close some deal though,
their comb goes down pretty fast.
The
Silent IT Crowd
The
Lords of mice work in a slightly different genre – not exactly a sitcom but
rather a sitcomp because they hardly get off the computer. These are the people
with real power in the office but they tend to be a little anti-social, so they
gave the floor to the boss. They know how to enter any computer and trace the
entire information in the office – mails, files, chat history. They can even
project the desktop of any employee on their own screen and watch what he's
doing in real time: chatting and watching videos at work, mails to clients,
siphoning company information, practicing some online piracy. They know so much
and yet every time you ask them something, all they have to say is “Have you
tried turning it off and on again?”
The
Secretary/ Receptionist/ Personal Assistant to the CEO
She's
not free but at least she's a butterfly. She's all pretty flying around the
boss and treating him like a flower. She makes him coffee, sandwiches and
reservations. She answers boring e-mails for him and when somebody calls and he
doesn't want to talk to them, she says he's not there. She's not allowed to
take a break before he leaves the building. Her work hours are very flexible
and if so is she, it's considered an advantage.
The
Trainees
Of
course slavery is not outdated. It's actually a very adequate business practice
in times of an economic crisis. If you're looking for cheap labor force and OK
with occasional failures, trainees are just what you need. You can squeeze out
their fresh ideas and assign them the boring work you'd gladly avoid plus some
monkey tasks as gluing marks on envelops, folding invitations, tying ribbons,
etc.
The
Witches
That's
what divas become when they grow old but are yet too young to retire. They
can't live with the fact they don't catch anybody's eye anymore and take it out
on everyone who still does. They spy on you and talk behind your back. They're
touchy and hold grudges. If you passed them by caught up in some thoughts of
yours, they claim you did it on purpose and were rude enough to not even say
hi. If they ask you to run some errands for them and for some stupid reason you
say no, consider yourself stigmatized.
The
News Agency
He
or she, most probably she, does some job that requires interaction with all
departments. It could be a secretary, an administrator, a coordinator, a
cleaning lady. That person goes around, hears everything and is too generous to
keep it to him/herself. If there's something he/she doesn't know about, it's
simply never happened.
The
One-man Show
If
you tie this person's hands right, you can pull this off on any level in the
company. Someone does the job of three people and gets paid as much as one.
Scientists believe this is the missing link between the man and the robot.
